All The Things I’ve Never Said

I’m a really observant person.  In fact, one of my favorite things to do is just watch people.  So often, when I’m out and about, I see someone or have an exchange with someone who leaves me feeling really great.  The reason it leaves me feeling so good is because of the other person.  I so often want to tell them, “You’re wonderful.”   Or…“You have such a nice way with people.”  Or…“I really, really like you.”

But mostly, I don’t.

The times in my life when I have told someone exactly how I felt about them (despite my fear that I might be overstepping the social norm) I have been met with such incredible warmth and gratitude.  And why not?!  I love it when someone waxes poetic about me!

Last summer, a really wonderful friend of mine passed away.  I’d known him my whole life and he’d struggled with cancer for over 20 years.  His sister, who I’ve also known my whole life (but haven’t been as close to) had a lot to deal with losing her brother.  And on top of this, her husband has advanced dementia and is in a hospital.  Between her brother and her husband, she’s had a number of struggles.  And everyone watched her manage it all on her own.

When my friend passed away, I wrote his sister a note.  And I was utterly honest.  I told her that I thought she was an Angel.  I told her that I think this world has been blessed because of her selfless caring and compassion.  And I told her that I know all of this has not been easy for her.  I told her how wonderful I thought she was.

She wrote me back and told me that, out of all of the cards she received, mine had touched her so deeply that she is framing the card and putting it up in the cottage where she and her brother spent so much time together.  Wow, I thought.  I was so glad I told her exactly how I felt.  I was so glad that I’d held nothing back.

But there are so many other times that I clam up.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  When I do this it thwarts both my and the other person’s experience of this life.  After all, I’m thinking these things; these loving, warm thoughts.  Why wouldn’t someone want to hear them?  I’m so often afraid that they’ll think I’m inappropriate.  Or if the things I want to say are to someone of the opposite sex, that I’m being flirtatious and suggestive.  Which is really a silly excuse.

We’re often regretful of the things we have said.  I know that, for years, I spoke irresponsibly.  I often said things I didn’t mean, just to be accepted by others.  I often said things because I wanted to shock people and get attention.  But they weren’t true to form.  And, at times, I said things to hurt people.  To my knowledge, I don’t do this anymore.  But this is not my biggest regret.  My biggest regret are the things I haven’t said.

To not communicate your love or your regard or your compassion or your affection for someone, regardless of what role they play in your life, is the bigger of the shames.  How often have we heard someone say that they’d wished they’d told someone they knew and loved just how much they meant to them before they died.  Why do we do this?  Why do we wait?

I believe it’s because we’re scared.  It’s easier to rub someone the wrong way than to look at them right in the eye and tell them how amazing you think they are.  It’s easier to tell someone all the things they’re doing wrong or what their deficiencies are, than to tell them that you’re a better person because they’re in your life.

So.  Here goes:

Mom:  I love you more than you’ll ever know.  I think you’re one of my angels here and I appreciate you beyond words.

Dad:  My heart breaks with love for you.  My favorite memories from my childhood are of holding your hand.  I’d never felt safer.

Amy:  I look up to you more than anyone here on this earth.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that you’re my big sister.

Scott:  You’ve loved me without condition for almost 20 years.  I literally don’t know what I’d do without you.  You make me laugh.  You make me smile.  I love your big, broad shoulders.  I just love you to pieces.

Ava:  Words could never even come close to describing how much I love you.  I waited for you for 8 years.  You’re my everything; my world; my light.  I love you with everything that I am.

The woman I saw 4 years ago:  I’ve never met you.  I’ve never even spoken to you.  But one day, while I was really, really sad, I saw you standing outside a country store.  You looked at me and just smiled.  But it was no ordinary smile.  You knew.  You knew I was sad and you beamed the most compassionate, light-filled smile my way.  I’ve never forgotten you and how, for a moment, you made a big difference in my life.  Thank you.

I could go on and on and on and on….I really could.  There’s my awesome, brother-in law, who, really, is now my big brother.  There’s my grandparents who, in the living and the passed, I love with all my heart.  There’s my nieces and nephews who, make my life incredibly rich (and make me cry at hockey games).  There are my aunts and uncles and cousins who I love dearly and relate to deeply.  There are my friends…far and near…for which my life would not be complete without you in it.  Some have been around for a very long time (Marla, Michelle, Angie and Screech) and I know, will be in my life forever.  Just ’cause you’re so awesome!  And my new friends who are equally wonderful and make my life so rich.  There are all the amazing people who I encounter daily at the grocery store, Starbucks, parent-child classes, neighbors, dogs, cats….Of course, I could go on and on but this keyboard would light on fire with everything that I’d like to say to everyone.

Just writing this is filling my heart with all kinds of love.

So why don’t we SAY IT OUT LOUD?

We’re afraid.  We’re afraid of being too much.  We’re afraid our words of love might scare the other guy off.  And you know, if it did, that’s okay.  At least they’d go away knowing how much they meant to you.  And nothing would be left unsaid.  You’d feel complete.

The New Children

There is no doubt about it.  We’re entering into a New Age.  Various cultures and mystics documented the volatility and potential of this time in early discourses and texts.  It’s been referred to as The Golden Age.  It is said that this earth and all of its inhabitants will graduate.  We will graduate to a higher level of consciousness and will do so out of necessity.

We’re seeing glimpses of this everywhere.  Our weather patterns have become extremely erratic.  Economies, world-wide are collapsing due to our misuse of money and materials.  This planet is warming up at unprecedented rates.  Cancer, heart disease, diabetes and other chronic conditions are occurring at epidemic rates.

And yet…

People are, for the first time in history, publicly, openly, speaking about WAKING UP.  Some of us are intensely questioning a number of the socially conditioned practices that, for years, were considered safe.  We’re thinking about food and nutrition in ways never before considered.  We’re embracing prevention and scrutinizing reaction.  We’re talking and thinking and sharing ideas that are imbued with compassion, empathy and community.

And then there’s the children…

In the mid 70’s, a new ‘breed’ of child began emerging.  The Indigo.  In a nutshell, Indigo children have come here armed with a higher consciousness.  They think differently and feel differently.  In fact, a number of these now young adults have had quite a struggle fitting into a socially conditioned, unconscious world.  Indigos have dealt with anger and self-loathing and awkwardly finding their way.  They are incredibly connected to Spirit but are existing in a world that is not.  They, quite literally, have an Indigo aura.  They’re winning the struggle in that, the rest of the world seems to be rubbing the sleep out of their eyes and asking important and life-changing questions.  They know when they are being lied to or manipulated.  And they can’t tolerate it.  They’re here to break down conventions and conservative thinking.  They’re very strong-willed and are here to change things.

In the early 90’s, another, even more conscious child began to emerge.  The Crystal Child.  These children are very obvious to anyone who really looks and observes.  They are best identified by their eyes.  They’re eyes sparkle and shine like crystals.  They are highly sensitive and psychic.  They love music and will often learn to sing before they talk.  They often stare at people and seem very intense in their gaze.  This is because they’re literally reading and assessing their energy.  My daughter, who is a Crystal, has been doing this since she was about 6 months old.  People would comment at how ‘sharp’ her stare was at them.  And I knew.  I knew she was simply sizing them up.  They are sensitive to loud noises.  They crave nature.  They’re highly empathic and forgiving.  Their bodies have a very hard time processing sugar, additives and processed foods.

In the last 10 years we’ve seen the arrival of The Rainbow Children.  These children come in with no karma.  They have no karma because they’ve never incarnated before.  They have no “past.”  They don’t have anything to learn here like the rest of us.  They are simply here to shine unconditional love and light into this world at a time when it needs it the most.  They are the ultimate healers on this planet.  And there are very few of them here.  They are being born of some very early Crystal Children, who are now having their own children.  This earth has never seen anything like these children.  They will ultimately heal this planet.

As more and more of this light-bodied human being inhabits this tired and bruised planet, we’ll see a change.  We already are.  These changes involve telling the truth; allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open; not tolerating bigotry or hate or greed; embracing everyone, no matter what they look like or where they come from.

This planet is either going to shift and flourish or it is going to wither and die.  It’s up to us.  It is said that the whole Universe is sitting up, watching us with great anticipation.  It’s waiting to see what our next steps will be.  Will we finally start to love ourselves and each other?  Can we forgive the atrocities of the past?  Can we start being kind to this earth that literally houses, shelters, feeds and keeps us alive?  Can we say NO to corporate greed, factory farming, political control, pharmaceutical poisoning, jealousy, fear and manipulation?  Can we BE the example for our children rather than telling them how to be conscious, aware human beings?

If you suspect you have a child that is either Indigo, Crystal or Rainbow, there are some great practices that you can put into place that will help them flourish.  Feed them really, really well.  This can’t be overlooked.  If you can, whole, natural, organic foods are best.  Leave out the processed, artificial, sugary, wheat-based foods.  Artificial coloring in foods is horrible for these children.  Allow them to fully feel and express their emotions, frustrations, sadness, anger, excitability.  Even if these emotions make us uncomfortable, it is really important to allow and encourage these kids to be okay with what comes up for them.  This way, they won’t learn to suppress or resent simple, human emotion.  Get them outside as much as possible.  These kids need contact with the natural world. Talk to them about trees and the cycles they go through.  Talk to them about animals and insects and honey bees and flowers.  This is literally where our batteries are re-charged.  Go out often.  Give them a break.  Keep them home from school the odd day.  Just for the hell of it.  Don’t frame it as, “you’ve been such a good girl or boy, that mommy is keeping you home today!”  In fact, don’t make a big deal out of it at all.  Just go have fun.

We’re living in a rapidly changing world.  These little ones (and some of them are not so little anymore) know it.  They’re done with the bullshit and the greed and the lack of awareness.  They’re begging and pleading us to love each other again.  Be the example.  Be the change you want to see in this world.

Eat Like A Caveman: An Interview with a Paleo Convert

The Paleolithic Diet or Lifestyle is getting a lot of buzz lately.  It’s also commonly referred to as the Caveman diet.  This is because the diet mimics that of early humans.  Essentially, you consume nothing but meat, fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds.  You remove all dairy, all grains and all refined sugar.  Sound restrictive?

Well, it kind of is.  Until you get creative.

I’ve been circling this diet for more than 4 years.  I’ve continued to eat limited amounts of dairy and bits of sugar.  I thought that was pretty good.  I thought that as long as I mostly ate well, than I was doing pretty well.

2 weeks ago, I went completely Paleo.  I was feeling spent.  Knowing how much diet can affect literally every aspect of our lives, I decided to completely eliminate the remaining dairy and refined sugar.  Within 4 days, my energy had tripled.  I was sleeping well again.  My headaches went away.  My dry skin cleared up.  My mood boosted, considerably.

Last night, I tried a little experiment.  I went to Chapters and while I was there, I got a hot chocolate.  I love hot chocolate.  I used to have a very close relationship with hot chocolate.  I confirmed that hot chocolate did not feel the same way about me as I did about it.  Within 5 minutes of drinking my beloved drink, my hands swelled up and my energy plummeted.  I literally had to put down my books and my drink, leave the store and go home to bed.

North Americans have put convenience above health.  We’re just so important and busy, after all.  And yet if we spent as much time preparing wholesome, great tasting foods for ourselves, as we did at work or some other very important task, the health of our population would look vastly different.

I decided to interview one of my closest friends who has recently and radically changed her diet from the standard North American, processed diet to a Paleolithic Diet.  Michelle is honest and straighforward and quite simply, very funny.  When we had one of our marathon phone chats a couple of weeks ago, she told me that she’d gone Paleo.  I was fascinated.  After all, growing up with Michelle, one of the things I distinctly remember, was her LOVE of all things SUGAR!!!

Can you describe your diet before you went Paleo?

Before Paleo I was a dairy extremist!  Milk with every meal and cheese in every way possible.  I truly saw milk as a healthy choice and cheese as an important staple in my diet.  Not to mention my lust for ice cream and all things chocolate.  I consumed cookies and snack foods by the box while occasionally intermingling some broccoli or a green salad loaded with dressing.  The most disturbing thing is that my diet was one of “convenience.”  Processed, easy to heat and serve.  As a mom of boys aged 9 and 11 I had very little time to even consider what was going in my body.  I just had to eat and go.

What made you decide to change the way that you were eating?

My girlfriend and neighbour Sarah sat on my porch one evening “sipping” on our Corona’s telling me about the girl’s weekend she just returned from where all of her high school friends were living this Paleo lifestyle.  She enchanted me with tales of lean thighs and no spare tires… legs with muscles that flexed when you walked and that it was easy… stop eating crap.  Eat like our ancestors and you will drop unwanted pounds and actually feel good… and sleep better.  SLEEP… wow, I haven’t slept since I was pregnant with my first child 12 years ago. 

I had been trying to cut down on eating after dinner and not gorging on Nachos and cheese after 10pm as I was feeling my midsection was starting to “muffin top” and I was generally feeling sluggish.  Now in my late 30’s , I was starting to experience changes in my body directly related to what I ate and was watching friends around me develop ailments that I thought would never happen to “us.”  Ultimately, I was ready to take control of my body without even being aware I needed to.

Out of all the “diets” on the market, why did you choose to start eating in this way?

It just made sense.  Sarah dropped off Rob Wolff’s book to me the next day and I started leafing through it.  This was the ideal lifestyle for me.  I love meat.  I could never go vegan.  I could however eat eggs and meat while loading up on veggies, nuts and fruit.  Another big sell was that peanuts are really the only nuts not allowed, so with a son who has a peanut allergy, this fit with my kitchen.  Since I had a partner in crime living right next door we could support each other and we did weigh ins for a couple of weeks where we instantly saw a difference of 4 pounds every week (without working out!)

Was it a difficult transition for you?

I wouldn’t say it was difficult because I was focused and being a competitive person, I didn’t want to give up.  I went hard core.  No cheat days.  No weakness.  Be a strong woman …the chocolate and cheese cravings passed.  Since I saw instant results in my weight and body contouring I wanted to keep up the effort.  I didn’t experience a lot of the headaches like some people do when eliminating refined sugar, in fact my morning headaches disappeared… and I was sleeping!  I got excited about committing to something just for me.  Something I could control and reap benefits from.  The most difficult part was listening to the comments from family and friends regarding my personal dietary choices… “you’re so skinny, why are you on a diet?”  “oh, don’t put that on her plate… it’s not PALEO!”  Whatever!

Food preparation does take more time and effort.  But in the long run, I am more organized at meal planning and the cost of organic etc.  is a wash once you cancel out the fast foods and processed foods that used to litter my freezer.

Can you describe how you felt, generally speaking before you changed your diet to a Paleolithic way of eating?

I felt very tired in the afternoons.  I didn’t sleep well at night… couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep.  I suffered from eczema.  I was skinny, but not in a way that was healthy.  I didn’t feel I was at my true weight.  I was almost embarrassed to be “skinny fat.”

Can you describe what changes you’ve gone through, and how you feel since adopting a Paleo Diet?

First of all I feel proud of myself for accomplishing the goal of healthier eating.  I have dropped 15 unnecessary pounds and am much leaner and muscular that before.  I stared running as exercise and found it was a great fit with my diet and mental wellbeing.  Diet and exercise… heard that somewhere before… maybe during a commercial while I shoved nachos and coke down my pie hole!  Since I have so much more energy, I sleep well and feel more confident. I feel healthy both mentally and physically.  Now I actually crave veggies and fruit.  I have become an accomplished cook and can whip up fantastic nut flour based pies and appetizers like nobody’s business. 

Are your husband and kids eating Paleo as well?

I would have to say that the entire family is eating more healthy, but the kids are still on dairy, although Riley has taken nicely to almond milk.  He never really liked milk to begin with.  I have strict “treat rules” for cookies and ice cream which they’re following. My husband went Paleo with me in the beginning but was never hard core as he likes his cheats of  beer and granola.  (Not to say I don’t enjoy my wine now and then.)  However, I am the only one presently “practicing” the paleo lifestyle. 

As an aside, my mother went Paleo for 2 weeks while living with me at the cottage and lost 10 pounds and was very proud of herself!)  She has since gained it back cruising all winter with my dad.

What would you tell others if they were considering making the switch from the common North American diet to a Paleo Diet?

I like to tell people about my paleo diet only if they ask or if I see an opening in their present diet that isn’t working for them. I am not a preacher. (Vegetarianism works wonders for some people.)  We are all such spectacularly diverse people, what works and enhances my life is not necessarily what will be fitting for another.  My best advice is to educate yourself about the Paleolithic Lifestyle and about your own body. 

There are agencies out there profiting from the gluten they shove down our throats… and the addiction we have to sugar…there is not one single reason why we as humans should consume an ounce of processed food. 

The Highly Sensitive Person

Even if you do not fit the description of the highly sensitive person, you undoubtedly have one in your life, so read on…

The highly sensitive person may not be the person you have in mind.  Such a title might conjure up images of – let’s face it – a woman, bent over a bowl of chocolate ice cream, tears streaming down her cheeks, and babbling inaudibly to anyone who will listen.

Ummm, nope.

The highly sensitive person is aptly described by the word sensitive.  The online dictionary definition of sensitive is this:

Endowed with sensation, having perception through the senses; readily or excessively affected by external agencies or influences; having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others; easily pained, annoyed, etc; pertaining to or connected with the senses or sensation.

The highly sensitive person is acutely aware of their own and others feelings.  We are also deeply affected by the environment.  In a nutshell, we feel everything.

This is both awesome and troubling.  It is awesome because I can walk into a room and suss out the angry person, the depressed person, the arrogant person, the friendly person, the excited person, the sick person and the healthy person, very quickly.  I can very often feel when the weather is about to shift and when my loved ones are in need of some support.  I know when I need more sleep, need to clean up my diet and when I’m topped up with stress.  And a number of us know when something is about to happen…before it happens.  This is all pretty awesome.

Right?

As a self-empowered individual, this is awesome.  We have a quick and heightened ability to take really good care of ourselves and others.  We know whether a particular environment is going to be supportive or detrimental to us and we act on that knowledge.  I can nurture myself in an almost guru-like manner and feel wonderful because of it.

Where this heightened sensitivity can become troubling is when one is not acting out of self-empowerment or trusting their instincts.  In fact, I will go as far to say, we are ALL sensitive people.  The difference is, there are those who act on their sensitivities and those who don’t.  But it seems that in a highly sensitive person, you almost have no choice but to act on your sensitivities.

When we ignore our sensitivities we tend to break down, and fast.  It has been my experience that if I’m feeling that something or someone in my life isn’t quite right, and I don’t do something about it, I suffer.  Again, everyone will suffer under these circumstances, it’s just that the highly sensitive person will suffer immediately.

When I choose not to act on my sensitivities, life starts breaking down.  I know for me, I will literally begin breaking things.  I’ll drop 2 or 3 dishes in a day.  I won’t sleep.  I’ll get moody.  My energy will drop.  And I always know what I need in order to feel good; to thrive.  My ego might not like to follow these intuitive instructions, but I know when something is needed for my overall well-being.  Really, we all do, don’t we?

But a highly sensitive person is like an open wound at times.  Under contentious circumstances, the open wound keeps rubbing up against something abrasive and it just keeps bleeding.  Why do we do it to ourselves?  Do we think our egos actually know best?  Giggle, giggle, giggle…

On the flip side, if I feel that something is really right for me, I’m on it like a dog on a bone.  I can’t not go after it.  Several years ago, I was contemplating working with a spiritual teacher from Ireland.  I’d never met him.  There was an upcoming 10 day seminar, in Ireland, with him.  It was a month away.  Did I mention that I’d never met him?

I went to bed one night (not thinking about it) and ended up having a dream.  In the dream, I flew to Ireland and rented a car.  I drove to a country home and I distinctly recalled driving through this incredible tunnel of trees.  The trees were hanging over the road I was driving on and it was beautiful and other-worldly.  I arrived at this house where a group of people were going to be working with this spiritual teacher.  I spoke with a woman and she told me, “Oh dear, there’s just one spot left and if you’d like it, it’s yours!”  I said yes, felt thrilled that I’d gone, and then I woke up.

When I woke up from the dream, I had the most overwhelming feeling that I had to go.  In Buddhist psychology, this is referred to as the choiceless choice.  And yet, I had never met this man.  I knew almost nothing about this man.  But every neuron in my body was screaming at me to go and spend 10 days with him.  When I phoned to see if there was any room available in the course , his wife told me that, yes, there was just one spot left.  I went.  It changed my entire life.  Life has never been the same for me since making that leap over the pond.

After spending those 10 days in Ireland, I worked with him one more time in Phoenix, Arizona and then that was that.  Although the whole thing changed my life, deeply, irrevocably, I decided at some point that I didn’t want to work with a guru.  And yet, very recently, my family and I were on vacation down south.  I was walking down the beach by myself one afternoon and, out of the blue, I thought of this spiritual teacher.  I wondered if he was, in some way, still around me.  At that precise moment, I looked up and saw a man coming towards me.  Smeared, in large letters, across his t-shirt was the last name of this spiritual teacher.

And there you go, I thought…and smiled to myself.

Therein lies the life and workings of a highly sensitive person.

How NO is just as important as YES

I’ve been a yes woman most of my life.  I want everyone to like me.  There.  I said it.  I have this burning need to have people in my life like me.  As a result, I’ve spent a great deal of time saying yes, when oftentimes, I’ve really wanted to say no.

I’ve had relationships with men where I’ve said yes dozens of times, when I’ve wanted to shout an emphatic NO!  I’ve agreed to things in friendships that have compromised my own wants in order to please my friend; so she’ll continue to like me.  I’ve said yes out of guilt when no would have been the more honest answer.

I began to say no a couple of years ago.  At first, my “no’s” came with a laundry list of justifications.  “No.  I can’t do this because I’m not feeling well and I just think it would better if I relaxed tonight.  I’m reaaallly sorry.”  This also felt funky to me.  I felt funny every time I excused or justified myself and my no.

And then a wise friend reminded me that when I justify my no, I actually come off as defensive.  And it’s true.  A “no” that comes with a reason tells the other person that the only reason I’m saying no is because of this, that and the other.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t be saying no.  Can you say:  Exhausting!!!

Saying no WITHOUT a reason is actually one of the most empowering things we can do.  When someone says no without a justification, what they’re doing is OWNING THEIR IMPORTANCE.  Think about it.  Someone asks me if I can do something for them.  I think about it and it really doesn’t jive with me.  It doesn’t even matter why it doesn’t jive with me.  All I need to know is that it doesn’t.  So, I say no, but I say it with an excuse.  Here’s the thing about excuses.  Everyone knows when they’re being given an excuse.  Plain and simple.  So I say no and drop the excuse.  Sure, it might leave the other person gape-mouthed. But here’s what WILL happen with the “no exchange” without the excuse.  The other person will know exactly where they stand in that moment.  They’ll know that you’re not going to do something that you really didn’t want to do.  They’ll trust that.  They’ll trust you.

The other thing that happens when you inject an excuse into your exchange, is you actually open the discussion up for further negotiation.  This use to happen all the time with my husband.  He’d come home and ask me to go for a walk with him.  I might have had a really tiring day with our daughter.  I might just not feel like it.  So, the old Ann (old meaning last year) would have said, “Oh honey, I’m just so tired….you know, I’ve had a really busy day with Ava and I just feel like I want to relax by myself.  Sorry.”  I typically ended my justifications with “sorry.”  And the most interesting thing would happen.  He would try to negotiate with me.  “Are you sure?  Maybe you’d feel better if you came out for a walk!”  And then I would negotiate back.  “But I’m EXHAUSTED, Scott!  I don’t think I could put one leg in front of the other right now!  God!!”

Here’s the new Ann.

Scott:  Do you want to go for a walk?

Ann:  No.

Scott:  Okay, see ya in half an hour.

See how simple that was?

When we really accept that we are just as important as every other Tom, Dick and Harry, than we can say no without any hesitation or guilt.  And it really comes down to our belief in our own importance.  Our own worth.

We teach people how to treat us.  We simply cannot expect others to treat us well, just because.  We play the biggest role in how others respond to us.  So when I’m honest with the people in my life and I have enough respect for myself and for my loved ones to say no when I mean no, than the rules of engagement change.  We show others that we matter.  It also inspires other people to validate their own importance.

I know that when I’ve said yes, in the past, I’ve either had a shitty time or have grown resentful at what I’ve said yes too.  Now that sounds like a good time!   In essence, when I’ve said yes, everyone has felt the disingenuous quality of the agreement.

I look at my little Ava, who is 22 months old.  One of her first words was “No” and it continues to be one of her favorite words.  Despite the fact that she has a great vocabulary and is speaking in full sentences, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say “yes!”  No is so important in the world of a new person because it establishes early boundaries.  It allows that little person to have a say in his or her world.  We somehow lose this along the way.  North Americans are so freaking polite and we’ve somehow put being nice before being honest.  Let’s not.  Let’s honor ourselves first.  When we do that, we honor everybody.